I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
