I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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