good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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