I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
