I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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