Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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