so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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