I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
True college students do jello shots in the library
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
