so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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