Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
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Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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