omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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