just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
