he thought i was a dude.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
