Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
