At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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