I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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