Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
