I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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