Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
