I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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