What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
