I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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