i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
