I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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