My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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