I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
