I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
