A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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