I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
