Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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