why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
even my farts smell like vagina
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize