i jhust puked up my retainher.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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