so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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