The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
