a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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