Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
