I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
