How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
