Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
3 2 1 whiskey
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
