Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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