I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
then he tried to convert me to islam
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
