I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
