I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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