When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
