did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Duck Duck Cougar?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Randomize
