They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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