I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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