Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
why do cheetos always look like penises
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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