I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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