I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
