Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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