Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
