$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
