The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
