you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
