A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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