This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
